Holiday Anxiety
I hear this story often from families where the holidays wreck havoc on their lives for the next few days to a week. The holidays for parents tend to be more stressful as you are trying to get your home ready for guests, preparing meals, buying and wrapping gifts, or traveling…so many things to do. And then you add in your ADHD kiddo and it just magnifies the worry and stress. It really is a perfect storm of overstimulation, lack of sleep, and stress from everyone in the family.
Let’s dig in a bit more. Your ADHD kid is excited! They are out of school… which for many of these kids is a welcomed break and creates excitement of what they will get to do with their extra time and, in theory, less nagging. There will be family or friends and yummy food or gifts and lots of fun. Who doesn’t get excited about those things?? So to start the holiday break off, they get to stay up late and even though they went to bed a couple of hours later; they toss and turn because their minds are still jumping from one idea to the next on how awesome the next few days are going to be!
Now you’ve arrived, it’s the holiday! Everyone is visiting and having a good time… but then something doesn’t go the way they had expected or they were scolded over being too rambunctious. Things start to crumble. Uh oh. You start to panic a little inside. You take a deep breath. More people arrive and it starts to get louder. Then your ADHD kid went to get a second roll for dinner and there weren’t anymore rolls and the whole day seems to be caving in on them. Your kid has a mini meltdown and inside you start to panic as you start thinking thoughts like:
How far is she going to take this today?
Is he going to be able to recover from this?
Please don’t make us leave early.
Why does this always happen? Why can’t we have a good time for once!
How do I handle this in front of our external family/friends? (Sometimes there is so much judgement!)
You start to panic a little more and exhibit your own traits of anxiety on whether or not this situation will diffuse. Maybe you try a few of these tricks and maybe they work or maybe they only work for a little while.
Tricks you may have tried:
Give him your roll (or other food item they would like)
Give her an early dessert or extra treat
Go for a small walk
Encourage him to take advantage of the swings/playset (outlet for energy or quiet space)
Have her put on her headphones
Set him up in a quiet space with a movie or game he enjoys
Pull out a secret craft or activity
Listen to some calming music
Man, the holidays are hard and when parenting an ADHD child it just adds something extra.
Here are some ways to help combat Holiday Anxiety and Havoc.
First, it is important to maintain as much consistency as possible through the holiday break. Whatever routines you have during a typical week should be used as much as possible. Here are some routines that can help make for a less stressful break. Basically, are they well rested, are they well fed, and are they comfortable?
Well Rested - For our home, this is probably the most important routine for us to maintain and yet one of the most difficult. Emily needs her sleep and she needs the consistency in the routine of going to bed and waking up around the same time every day. If we let her sleep in too late she is actually more grumpy so while we want her to be rested we don’t want her to be too rested, haha. We are more successful when we maintain a fairly similar schedule for bedtime and when she gets up in the morning. When you add lack of sleep, disruption to her routine, plus lots of stimulation from holiday activities we end up with an Emily that melts down.
Well Fed - There is a reason why people say they get hangry. It is a real thing! We all become a little less pleasant when we are hungry. Our patience is lower and our tempers are quicker to show up. Our kids, especially our ADHD kids, are the same but they are less likely to recognize what their body needs. Yes, you need to remind your teen to eat lunch or get a snack. I have found that if I prepare the food or get it started it is helpful to get Emily to eat when she needs it. Many could comment that she should be able to get her own food, etc. You are right, she probably should be able to do that, but we all know that those with ADHD run a bit behind in the maturity and motivation department. Besides, what’s important here? By helping Emily get a snack it helps to facilitate a habit. She will get there and I believe this is a great way to help support her while she learns to recognize how to respond to her body’s signals while learning what success feels like in these situations. Remember the goal is to help our kids stack wins. When we help them start to see the wins and then we start stacking them one on top of another then they are able to see that this can be done and they can feel successful in these situations.
Comfortable - Ok, this one can be a hard one. Sometimes just the activity can make them uncomfortable with loud sounds, lots of people, and unmet expectations. I would recommend talking with your child/teen before the activities to identify feelings or emotions and what we can do when we feel those things. Oh, I expect they will forget about it until you mention it to them. It will help them switch from their emotional brain to their logical brain and be able to make adjustments more quickly. Our conversations have gone something like, “Hey Emmy, you remember we talked about this the other day? What was it that we said we were going to do when we felt a little out of control? So, what option do you want to try? Your headphones, getting a snack, resting in the extra bedroom?” At this point, Emily is able to make a choice and usually can prevent a full on meltdown. So in prep for these activities, sit down with your child/teen and ask them what are some options that would help them be comfortable when they feel uncomfortable.
Back to stacking wins….this is vital for parents too. The more wins we stack, the more successful we will feel about our holiday plans. Parents also have expectations and when our kids melt down we also have unmet expectations. So, just like you prepare for the activities and the yummy meals, you need to prepare for the day itself. Just a little extra prep work can make the holiday anxiety subside and allow for everyone to have a more enjoyable day.
I’d love to hear your ideas on what you’ve done to help create a better holiday experience for your family!