Are we there yet?
Parenting an ADHD kid can be like a roller coaster of emotions with big highs and lots of excitement and dropping to lows that can feel hopeless.
Setting the scene…your middle schooler is having some difficulties with their new schedule and routine. Changing classes and having new expectations has caused some stress and anxiety of trying to keep up while feeling like they are inferior to their friends because it seems so much easier for them to adjust to this new environment. Instead of reaching out for help and admitting that this is hard, your child says “everything is fine.” You check the grade book at the end of the term and you find out that your student has so many missing assignments that you feel at a loss. How will he get all of this done in time? How can he keep up with the new stuff coming his way with being so far behind? How are you going to be able to help when you have a job, other children, and responsibilities? You are both overwhelmed, frustration is high, and let’s be honest the conversations between you and your student aren’t fun.
Surprisingly, you guys are able to get all of the assignments and get them turned in and somehow he manages to get decent grades. In an effort, to prevent this from happening again, you work with the teachers and set up a new schedule at home to ensure success. After a couple of weeks of emailing teachers and coaching your son every evening you are starting to feel hopeful that this term will be different. But then the new wears off and you forget to email the teachers and you had an appointment you had to go to during the normal evening routine and you think, “It’ll be fine. This is working and I don’t have to be so rigid. He needs to do this on his own.” But a few weeks later, the teachers start sending out reports for drop-dead dates or mid-term progress reports and your heart sinks. Why are there so many missing assignments? You beat yourself up. Your son beats himself up. The stress, anxiety, and overwhelm quickly return and here you are again. Both of you feel defeated. So you revamp the plan again with a few tweaks and things start to feel good again. But a few things come up and the consistency starts to tapper off again because he is doing so well! You are thinking, we have arrived! To find out a few weeks later that you have not arrived and are far from it. So you wash, rinse, and repeat.
Are we there yet?
So where is it that we are expecting to get to? And will we get there? Yes, we can choose to get off the roller coaster and arrive at our destination.
So where is our destination? We want our students to be successful, feel successful, have joy, and be able to grow and feel confident in their abilities to impact their lives. We want to feel like we are winning as a parent in our ability to help our kids tackle hard things and overcome challenges. We want to be able to have a positive and healthy relationship with them that has more laughter and less nagging.
So what’s the secret? How do we actually get there?
The secret really isn’t a secret but it is hard work. The answer is creating opportunities for our students to win by having access to consistent routines and tools to help them to start having wins and then stacking more wins on top of wins.
Here is how we do this….
Establishing a Routine that works for your family dynamic. Every family situation is different. We have different schedules and different needs. But what every ADHD family needs is to find a routine that can be followed most of the time. I say most of the time because we all know life gets in the way of our good intentions. A morning routine, an after-school routine, and an evening routine are vital for the success of all kids but especially ADHD kids. Routines create consistency and help develop habits so that our bodies automatically take the actions needed without having to think about them. This is so important for those with executive functioning weaknesses.
Consistency is Key when it comes to routines because it is what creates the automatic habit. Consistency is also necessary for implementing new habits or actions that we believe are necessary for our success. This means we need to create systems that keep going, that are automatic, and don’t fail when you, the external executive functioning mechanism, are interrupted due to other responsibilities or unexpected events.
You are in it for the Long Haul. Yep, this is a long-term commitment. I know, I feel tired too. But you’ve got this! You are Mom/Dad and your superpower is that you are unwavering in your determination and perseverance to create opportunities for your child to be able to see how amazing they are and how they can impact the world with their talents. And since this is for the long haul…that really means that we aren’t going to arrive in just a couple of weeks but that we must keep going especially when it starts to feel like things are going right.
Don’t stop when things begin to look up. Keep going. Your student still needs you. Do something for yourself that allows you to rejuvenate and replenish your energy because when you become drained and your tank is empty you are unable to help fill your student’s tank to keep going. So fill your tank up and keep going.
Create Automatic Habits/Prep Work. This is one of the best ways to quickly feel some wins. Automatic habits are things that happen because of the environment that has been created around you. For example, setting timers on your phone or your student’s phone to turn in assignments, putting out clothes for an entire week, creating an after-school bin that has a snack in it for the week, or texting your child to text back new assignments. These types of things we do help make it easy for our students to do what is wanted at the time we want it done. One of the best ways to do this is to establish a Sunday night routine where you get ready for the week and create opportunities for success by building it into everyday activities.
Ok, so this sounds like a lot. I feel that too. All of these things can be accomplished manually with parents acting as the schedule and routine master and you will find success. It takes about 2 months to really feel the impact of all the hard work put into this process. With consistent effort, you will see results. However, you can utilize tools to help you accomplish this process. By using DisruptADHD, you can help automate these reminders, prompts for action, and to establish and maintain these consistent routines. Let us help you collect assignments, turn in assignments, and establish positive habits and routines that will give you the mental space to cheer on your student rather than focusing so much on managing your student.